SUGA @ Vogue + GQ
Normal Horoscope:
Aries: The stars have decided that YOU are in retrograde now. “Lets see how you like it ass hole.” That’s what they told me.
Taurus: Please do not start a land war in Russia, you are not “built different.”
Gemini: Overcome with ambition, you will finally be able to defeat the vile Riddle Master and seduce his wife.
Cancer: You have a tendency to miss the small things. Give your work a second pass and remember, your inventions should not bleed or be covered in blood.
Leo: A temporary astral misalignment will cause you to unirnate in reverse with bone-crushing force for several hours. Avoid loved ones at all costs.
Virgo: Express a new side to your relationships by telling everyone about the evil clones of your son you’ve been releasing upon the city.
Libra: You have been summoned to the Sewer Palace. Don your worst most dogshit outfit and take audience with the Sewer King.
Scorpio: Allow your anxious and self-deprecating nature to set expectations so low you end up building confidence when you exceed them. This is known as “emotional turbo drifting.“
Ophiuchus: The universe has finally chosen you as its true center. Tell your boss you’ve been chosen by the astral clock and he will probably give you the day off.
Sagittarius: Your systems of belief could use some oiling. You’re not allowed to bathe at the gas station but you’re not not allowed to either.
Capricorn: The goblin deals 2 damage to your cock. (Go to page 87.)
Aquarius: You’ve spent so much time cultivating identity and culture that you trigger a social immune response in other people. That’s why that dude ate your thumb.
Pisces: You are working harder than ever at pretending your own patterns of self-sabotage don’t exist. Gosh the the stars wonder why you keep stepping on land mines.
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”— Eartha Kitt